The music we made

Quickly snapped with my cameraphone. It looks darker than it actually was.

Part One

It has been how many years – six years – tidily tucked at the back of my mind, untouched. But all the memories, the fun, the laughs and the tears of being once part of an orchestra came back and overwhelmed me – and I only fully realized the extent of how much I have missed them when I brushed off the dirt lying dormant on my violin case and diffidently attended the first practice session for the annual Artist Doctors’ Concert.

We were only scheduled to practice six times before performing as part of the Artist Doctors’ Concert programme. It was a “temprorary” orchestra, but I didn’t want it to end! I wanted it to go on, so that I can improve myself even more and one day be first desk first violin (yes, I was in a hypomanic state); I wanted to indulge myself more in the teamwork and the soft glows of music stands under the stage lights; I wanted to know more about the friends I have made there, and talk about many things…

And then, I realized all of those were but just wishes – fluffy dreams that fade, and what-ifs that hold no substance.

Part Two

My violin skills have deteriorated so much. What was I thinking, I am doing medicine – I won’t have enough time, not only now, but in the forseeable future as well. And I have left my youth behind, whether I want to admit it or not; the hands of time do not turn back.

I got a little sad, like a little child I suppose, when I spent a moment too long thinking of it. I wondered, how different would I be if I had studied arts and joined an orchestra for the past years? What kind of friends would I have? Would I have met someone special? I felt so much when I read what kawaiiviolinist wrote about her story with her orchestra, because I could totally relate, and now perhaps I can relate even more. I thought of all the things that I would have missed out on (for good or for bad)… in exchange for this medical life?

Part Three

I got a little sad, but I looked around at all the fellow doctors and medical students in the orchestra alongside me, and I received a little comfort when I realized, are they not all the same?

Those who are inspiringly good with their instruments, who enchant me with the music they make – surely they too must have, at one point in their life, considered whether to choose to pursue music as a path in life. Yet they chose medicine – and gave up on all the other dreams. I wonder if they now and anon think of some what-ifs too…

Must we all choose one path – and give up on the possibilities that the other paths hold, forever? Is that it? Is there no other way? … I almost cannot agree. I don’t know… This isn’t the first time, and I still don’t know.